Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
