i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
