Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
