Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think my moral compass just broke
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
