I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
