My sheets look like a crime scene.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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