Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You know, be my cock's hype man.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
