Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
ugly people sure do ruin things
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
