Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
