This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
