Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
