he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am midnight drunk by noon
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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