I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
