i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
