So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
