wakey wakey hands off snakey
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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