i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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