he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....