fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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