Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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