I bet he comes in French.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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