something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
