Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
