My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
