That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
