Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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