New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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