lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
