I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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