My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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