I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I accidentally had phone sex last night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
