I got chris browned last night
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
