I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize