i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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