My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
