Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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