hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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