I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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