I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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