babies were throwing up all over the place
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
