I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
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You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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