First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
