So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
