i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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