Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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