dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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