I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
