you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
