I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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