Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
