saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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