Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just gift wrapped bread.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
