what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
