I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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