Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
