last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
