If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
