Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
