Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
from now on my penis is your penis
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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