ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
