You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
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you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
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Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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