i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
