I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
